Today we interview Laura Perales Bermejo, who is child psychologist specializing in prevention. His orientation is Reichian, humanistic and based on the theory of attachment, and develops his professional activity by consulting, teaching workshops for parents and children, as well as parents' schools.
Laura who has trained (among others) with Yolanda González Vara (who we have also interviewed in our blog), and the Spanish School of Reichian Therapy, also lectures and writes informative articles.
As an introduction to this complete interview that we hope you like, I quote a text on Laura's website.
The basis of almost all the problems raised by the parents is in the clash of life, of instinct, with what society dictates. A sick society A child full of life must be understood and accompanied, not frustrated to adapt to it and become ill too
I encourage you to continue reading, and to reflect a little on the repression of children's emotions and the difficulties of today's parents to raise and educate. Peques y Más.- Do you think that the expression of childhood emotions is still denied today?
Laura Perales.- Of course. You just have to go outside to verify it, it is present everywhere, established as normal. Few people miss him or bother to see how parents repress a tantrum of his son or even give him a cheek. On the other hand if they saw it in adults, for example from a man to a woman, if it would be frowned upon.
This has to do with the children's experiences of those parents and the people who watch the scene and see it well. They suffered the same emotional repression by their parents and now their children's emotions trigger rejection in them. What we feel towards children is like looking in a mirror.
As unfortunately this way of acting has been the usual one, the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
There are anthropological studies of Margaret Mead or Malinowsky that show us that in cultures where there is no such repression (or of almost any kind, including the absence of sexual repression), as in the Trobriand Islands, there are no murders, rapes, abuses ...
PyM.- I would like you to tell us how the denial of their emotions by adults can affect the child's development.
L.P.- Well, we have it in view in today's adult world, full of people who don't know how to manage and don't even identify what they feel. Not only that, but if during the tantrums we suppress that emotional expression we create frustration in the child, he does not understand what he has done wrong, he feels guilty for feeling and problems of violent expressions arise like hitting to unload all that accumulated frustration and tension.
It can even lead to a structure border line adult, with a base of latent rage under a mask of kindness developed to please parents. To give you an idea of the dimensions of this, I will tell you that we live in a border line society.
There are anthropological studies of Margaret Mead or Malinowsky that show us that in cultures where there is no such repression (or of almost any kind, including the absence of sexual repression), as in the Trobriand Islands, there are no murders, rapes, abuses ...
PyM.- It has happened to many parents that we have understood the tantrums of the two years, and then we have encountered the following difficult years. Do you consider the tantrum a healthy expression of emotions? Is there a 'correct' way for a child over six to express an emotion perceived as negative?
When we do not give way to emotions, they do not disappear, they simply transform, accumulate and usually appear magnified on the other hand. For example, what we can do is provide alternatives to express anger such as making pillow wars or pool churros, or kicking the floor
L.P.- Yes, of course, tantrums are healthy and healthy, as long as they are properly addressed. In fact they are precisely an emotional expression, with the intensity of the children of that stage. In fact, most of the problems arise because parents want to avoid the tantrum at all costs due to the rejection that they produce and sometimes they do things like giving a bauble before eating as long as the child stops. Nothing happens if there is a tantrum. What does matter is how we approach them.
Parenting is difficult, each age has its peculiarities, and this goes through the tremendously disconnected that we are from our instinct and the nature of the human being and his environment.
Elsworth Baker said that it is easier to raise a subject child than one who claims their rights. Indeed this is what we see, children classified as "good" for not having tantrums, when not having them is usually a sign that something is going terribly wrong, the origin of submission. Then society asks those same children to be independent adults, to have initiative, to be proactive people. But we have conditioned them from small to the opposite.
Regarding the last question, there are no good or bad emotions, all emotions are equally valid and should have the same acceptance. If in the tantrums stage we have allowed children their emotional expression and have helped them identify and manage those emotions, when they grow up they can handle them much better. But usually what we see is even 40-year-old people who continue to have tantrums, without understanding what they feel and reacting without any control. The "right" way for someone from 6 to 135 years to express an emotion is ... expressing it.
When we do not give way to emotions, they do not disappear, they simply transform, accumulate and usually appear magnified on the other hand. For example, what we can do is provide alternatives to express anger such as waging pillow or pool churros, or kicking the floor.
PyM.- And how can we help them in this way?
L.P.- Children need the accompaniment of their parents to identify and manage their emotions, since when they are very young they do not control them. His emotions are pure, intense, from here and now. That is why when a child goes from crying to laughter in a matter of minutes, it is not that he has “much story”, he really feels those emotions.
We can anticipate the predictable tantrumsFor example, if we know that they are hungry, we can advance the food a little, or if we know that they are going to see something that we cannot give them, make a detour. Things that you can't take better at home that are out of reach and sight. We can also use the distraction, for example if we see that he is going to get angry because another child has a toy he wanted, we can offer him something else that we know he likes or raise them in his arms to play tickle. Or the game and the imagination, for example if they don't want to dress giving life to clothes or telling them that it is a disguise of something they like.
But the main thing is to validate your feelings, never say "nothing happens" taking away what they feel, much less that they do not cry, or that they do not get angry, or unbelieve them for it. Never resort to the manido "to which I get angry" that causes that tremendous guilt in the child. Simply tell them "I know you are angry at X" and accompany them by telling them that we love them (many children perceive that if they get angry they lose their parents' love and even feel afraid of being abandoned), offer them our hug if they wish and if they do not stay available In case they want it. If there is none other than the one that has a tantrum, there is, the difference is to accompany it instead of repressing it.
There is no such fictitious power struggle, the phrase "you are going to get on the hump" does not correspond to reality. Children before 3 years are in full egocentric stage, named in this way because they perceive that the world revolves around you and they are not yet able, due to their still immature and developing brain, to put themselves in the place of the other, to deceive, manipulate and all those adult attributions. These are simply functions of the upper brain that is not yet formed. So fears when allowing tantrums are also unfounded.
PyM.- What are the unexpected consequences (and perhaps not desired) of applying authoritative education?
L.P.- Well, the consequences can be many, from lack of self-awareness, low self-esteem, depressive tendencies, anxiety, need to fill the void with addictions of all kinds (drugs, games, sects), submission, masochism ... even an authoritarian-type upbringing predisposes to child sexual abuse, since we teach the child that the adult is always right, that his orders must be followed no matter how much his instinct yells at him not to do so. Its never ceases to have value.
The main consequence of an authoritarian education is the type of society in which we live: submissive, easy to manage. You just have to watch the news to see how much people swallow without reacting. People are afraid of freedom, as Erich Fromm said.
PyM.- Many parents will wonder where they stand if they cease to be authoritarian, and how is it possible to guide children by discarding this model, what can you tell us about it?
L.P.- There are authoritarian and permissive styles, both harmful. Health is in the middle ground. Respectful parenting is possible, and does not mean raising without limits. It is to raise from respect and for respect, to accompany the child but from balance (neither authoritarianism nor permissiveness) to allow the flow of life and favor a healthy development, but with logical and necessary limits. The problem of our society is that we have turned everything around and the usual thing is that meaningless authoritarian limits apply intended solely for adult comfort, what they will say, or to mark land, while the limits that if necessary such as not feeding the child only goodies as long as they do not get angry or those that concern safety, are not taken into account or skipped to the bullfighter.
There is no such fictitious power struggle, the phrase "you are going to get on the hump" does not correspond to reality ..., so fears when allowing tantrums are also unfounded
PyM.- Some of us have heard about respect for children, of empathy, of taking care of their emotional needs. Do you think that fathers and mothers who opt for respectful upbringing and education lack social support? Who takes care of an emotionally tired mother or father?
Parenting is difficult, each age has its own peculiarities, and this goes through the tremendously disconnected that we are from our instinct and the nature of the human being and his environment.
L.P.- We have gone from raising a tribe, which is what we are evolutionarily prepared for, to the patriarchal nuclear family. This implies that parents of any type of upbringing do not have the necessary support in most cases..
It also implies the poor socialization of children in the age at which they need it (at which point we have invested things again, before 3 years old children cannot socialize for the simple reason that as we have said they are in the egocentric stage and the other children are little more than objects for them. I can understand that they are taken to the nursery by necessity, but whatever it is to socialize is again the result of misinformation).
Fortunately, there are more and more parenting groups, parent schools, families that at least remain from time to time to approach tribe breeding. This tends to happen more and more precisely in the environment of respectful parenting.
PyM.- What are the main recommendations you can make to parents of older children (over 7/8 years old) to improve family relationships?
L.P.- Always listen to what they have to say, treat them as family members with voice and vote (in fact it is beneficial that they get involved), verbalize and validate their feelings and treat them with respect.
The "nothing happens" mentioned above is equally harmful at this age. They are still children, in another evolutionary stage, but they are not adults (apart from the fact that adults do not like to downplay what we feel). Let's not treat them as such, except as regards respect.
It is a difficult stage, with many physical and psychological changes, and they need us to accompany them. The example plays a very important role throughout the upbringing, also at this age. We cannot ask them to act in a way if we do the opposite, for example by telling them not to shout yelling at them or not to be mischievous when they have heard it at home.
PyM.- Is it harder to raise and educate today or is it that our perception has changed?
We have gone from raising a tribe, which is what we are evolutionarily prepared for, to the patriarchal nuclear family. This implies that parents of any type of upbringing do not have the necessary support in most cases.
L.P.- I think just we are increasingly invaded by unnecessary gadgets that separate us from our mammalian upbringing, such as pacifiers, cribs, intercoms, video games so that the child does not "disturb" ..., or by wrong myths that take us away from our instinct as very harmful methods to "teach" children to sleep (in a circle because they do not teach them that but to despair and resign themselves, with serious consequences such as the possibility of a future psychotic structure due to an excision of the self. Babies already know how to sleep , with the pattern of a baby's dream, adaptive, with several awakenings), harmful advice such as not to take them in the arms ... in short, we are increasingly moving away from nature and getting closer to the artificial.
In addition to not raising a tribe or large family groups, mothers do not see births, breastfeeding, do not learn from each other in an experiential way ... What is difficult today is to silence the social murmur of a sick society to truly devote ourselves to raising Following our instinct. In short: do not cut life, do not limit ourselves to survival. We have forgotten to live and allow our children to live.
After the interview, I can not say anything else that has been a pleasure, and thank Laura, her generosity answering our questions. When I contacted her, my intention was to bring quality information that could help parents of children who are no longer babies, to accompany their children's emotions, and to reflect on how we raise or educate them, and what we can change so that relationships Family members are more satisfying for everyone.
We are delighted to have had you in Peques and Más, thanks again for collaborating with us.
