Yesterday we published a fictional letter from a woman who was writing a letter to herself. The author of the letter, already a mother, decided to write herself days before giving birth to explain a little how everything was going to be, with enough humor and a good dose of "bad milk."
I thought it was a very interesting exercise and that is why I have thought of doing something similar, not so much for myself, but for and for future parents and future mothers and, incidentally, ask you to do it too. Then I leave you with the letter that I would write to myself before becoming a father and the witness passed you: If you could send a message to your "I" from the past before having a baby, what would you say?
Dear Armando:
You are days of being a father for the first time and, really, I see you quite calm. Although this is not new. We already know that it takes a lot for you to lose your temper. The fact is that I see you, perhaps, too calm for what comes your way. Shouldn't you have read a little about being a father? Shouldn't you have informed yourself a little? That you are going to the hospital thinking that being a nurse you have everything under control and nothing. If you have not even talked about how it will feed! At the very least, it would be good if you knew what normal births are like so that, once there, you are a little prepared to make the relevant decisions and support you a little.By the way, take something to eat. You know that when you have not eaten for many hours you turn yellow and people worry because they think something terrible is happening to you ... bring food (some cookies, energy bars, things like that), that as you suggest going out for a moment to have a drink He is going to roll it up.
The day will come when you are a father. Nor have you read anything about it, but do not worry, in this sense sometimes it is better not to read anything to read according to what, because when they offer you one of those books that describe with hairs and signals how you should do it, the feeling that you will not be able to do it well it grows so much that you lose all security.
Do what you feel. If you feel you should catch him, do it. Do not worry. They will tell you no, that it is not good, that you are getting used to it, and they will make you doubt. But don't do it, don't hesitate. If he cries, if he needs to be with you, with you, take him. A baby cannot get used to something he is already used to, and babies are already born waiting for their parents' arms, so in this sense, the only thing you could get used to is the opposite, to be alone, to not to take him in his arms, and that would only happen if you let him cry a lot, feeling very lonely. So, for your sake, don't let him cry, get used to it.
What do you feel like playing football with friends as you did before having your child? Well, you can go. In fact, I know you will go. It can be hard sometimes to realize that your life has taken a 180º turn, but keep in mind that your child will grow and that in the future you can play football again, even with the parents of the school (and you will not be given bad, you'll see). Come on, then don't tell me I didn't tell you, you will go a few days and then you will feel so silly going, that you will end up leaving it, because you would rather be with your little son than go to kick a ball (I repeat, whenever older, you will go again). Oh, and the same thing may even give you to go jogging and do some races ... I drop it for you to think about. But calm down, first you have to take care and raise your child (ren). Yes, you will have more than one child, in case you ask.
What will be days when you ask God and all the stars what he wants and why he cries? It is normal. It happens to all parents. It is not easy to understand children because they do not explain it to you. They only cry and you have to do the possible and the impossible to know what they want, often at the risk of losing patience. In this sense I do not suffer much, I know you have enough, but I think the following can help you: put yourself in the baby's place, always. It's hard, but try it. When you realize that behind his crying there is a suffering you will not want him to shut up at once, but you will want to find a way to help him (which seems the same, but it is not).
Oh, and watch with patience when you close the "factory", with a child it is very easy to have an exemplary patience. The more children, the more likely to lose it. I just let it fall, again, so you can get ready.
They will tell you that the important thing is that the time you spend with him is intense, of dialogue, affection and sharing. Encouragement, to read stories and to play with him, without being necessary for a long time. Come on, they will tell you that half an hour is enough and they will suggest you take it to the nursery. The weather is not true, although I will not need to tell you. Come on, the ideal is that you share a lot of time together, quality or non-quality, time together. The nursery, do not even think about it. Do not do it because if you do not end up going to several nurseries and you will be left with the face of "I do not feel comfortable leaving him there". I tell you because you don't need to take him. You can take care of him at home and then it won't make sense. You will have time to meet children, play with them, share, fight and all those things that children do, even when they are over two years old.
Do not suffer too much to pay attention to everything. I know that in the eyes of others it will seem that he handles you like puppets, but everything responds to some needs that he will have then that he will then lose. Come on, when he is 9 years old you will explain the things he did as a child and not even he will believe them. In case you want to look at it, your child could be one of the so-called "high demand babies".
I also want to remind you that although your father tried to educate you with words and commands, the most important thing is the example. Dialogue, of course, is indispensable. In this sense, you should forget your father's authoritarian example to cling to a calmer, more leisurely and more negotiating one. Neither "because I say so," nor "I pass from you, son, do what you want." There is a middle ground that I know you can find. But calm down, don't get nervous now. Everything comes with everyday life and there is a technique that helps a lot in this regard: he spends a lot of time with him. If you spend a lot of time together, everything becomes much easier and you just need to think about limits, anger or other educational techniques. Just talking about things, explaining them, if there is a good relationship, everything will flow.
With the second child the thing starts to cost a little more, but it is normal. He is no longer the only child and you cannot spend as much time as the first. In addition, children are never the same and what works with one does not have to work with the other. Of course, keep trying to spend time with both, dialogue and love.
In short, you have to try to be the person you want your child to be. It does not mean that it ends up being, but at least he will have had an example and a reference to cling to when he feels lost or hesitant.
I think I leave nothing ... if anything, remind you that it is not easy, but not difficult, that the love moves mountains, that the advice you receive is nothing more than advice, that you can follow or not, as you please and that the children They come to the world to be happy and free. The free thing seems complicated in the world we live in, but the happy thing can be if we, as parents, we are too. Try to be, try to be every day, enjoy them and life, and everything will be much easier.
A huge hug,
I.
It's your turn
I do not ask you for something as extensive as what I have done, that I have no brake, but by way of synthesis, What would you like to have known before you became parents, what did you learn over time?
