"Let's see if you clear up at once," the father of a baby told me the first time they came to the nursing office. I no longer remember what they asked me, but she hugged the little boy nervously while he reproached me, rightly, that they had asked the same question to several more professionals and we were all giving a different answer.
A few days ago a fellow nurse told me the same thing on Facebook, that a mother had burst into tears when she heard her words for the same reason, because with each response she looked even more lost: when first time parents receive so many opposing opinions that they end up totally lost.
"It's nothing personal, but we can't do more"
On a pilgrimage looking for solutions, those parents finally came to me (well, I don't know if finally, maybe after seeing me they looked for more opinions and solutions), and although they looked visibly upset, I understood what they themselves told me , that it was nothing personal against me, that they were not angry with me, but that yes they were with the situation, because they couldn't do more.
And it is that the first-time parents are told to let him cry, others not; some that feed him on demand, others that every three hours, others that every two hours, others that yes, on demand, but that do not let him eat everything the baby wants, but that they limit the time; some say they should sleep in the crib, others that better if they sleep together; some that put him to sleep on his side, others that face up with their heads tilted; some that the bathroom is indispensable every day, better at night, others that can be every two or three days and that the schedule does not matter; some that cure the cord with alcohol, others only with water and others that do nothing; Some who cries because they are eating little, who gives a bottle, others who cries because they are hooked all day and do not let the milk go up, others who cry because they are hungry, that she will not have milk, and others that if she cries is because Mother's milk may not be good. And so with every doubt that comes to mind.
And in a similar situation they arrived, the couple. He was already fed up and she was tired, about to cry, because doubts were not allowing her to move on and solutions were not always effective. And they were blocking in something that should be nice: take care of your baby.
Several solutions for the same problem
The recommendations also change a lot. 30 years ago parents had to put us to sleep on their stomachs because it was considered to be safer. But now it's the opposite: face up. 10 years ago gluten was given at 8 months, the egg at 12 and foods that produce more allergy were left for 18 months and up. But now it is quite the opposite, it is said that after 6 months they can already eat practically everything. A few years ago, parents were told that if we cried, our lungs would expand and that it was good. But now we know that the lungs do not mature or expand with crying, and that we should care for the baby whenever possible because crying causes stress, and babies they don't know how to manage stress (and children who suffer more stress in childhood are adults who have precisely more stress and anxiety problems).
Parents know this, that the recommendations vary over time, and that is why on many occasions they no longer rely too much on what the baby's grandmother says, so they go there where they think the most up-to-date knowledge is: Health professionals. But there is not always the most current, and often what is transmitted are somewhat outdated knowledge, myths or even judgments of the person under the white coat.
Parents do not know, of course ... they go home with a solution and put it into practice. And then they see that it doesn't work or that new problems appear. And then they have two options, go back to the professional and explain that it didn't work, and try another possible new solution, or look for another to see if that one is right.
And in the trial / error game with the various solutions they receive, they realize that sometimes they are doing totally contradictory things, that one day they are told to let the baby cry a little and the other they are told that never, that one day they are told to control the time they eat with the clock and the other they are told to throw the clock in the trash ... Normal A time comes when they fall apart because they no longer know where to throw.
The only one who knows what happens to your baby is ...
I know, in a way I drain the lump. I avoid criticism of myself with what I tell them, but not because I don't want to receive them, but because I think mostly of babies, and I'm looking for the best for them, and of rebounding for parents. When I see them so misplaced, without confidence already in our role as sanitary and counselors and without confidence in their role as parents, I tell them in the end to ignore anyone ... I even tell them that don't listen to me either. That they do not believe anything, that they do what they think is best, and especially that they only listen to one person.
"The only one who knows what happens to your baby is your baby", I tell you. And they are a little surprised because they do not see the way to decipher the messages that the child is sending them, so I continue: "Try what makes you feel better, what seems most logical to you, what comes from within you, and wait for the answer. If you see that the thing is going wrong, if you see that he cries more or is not comfortable, try something else ... in the end it is just entering the test game, and if there is crying, or you see that it does not work, change strategy. "
It is often said that the amazing thing about raising a child is that when you already have the answers, they ask you new questions; and when you have found what is best for you, it turns out that it grows, matures, changes (or changes something in the family situation), and suddenly that doesn't work anymore and you have to start trying strategies again Let's see how you can all adapt to the new situation.
The good thing is that little by little, listening to him, you learn to understand what he "tells you", and that gives a lot of confidence because when that communication exists, when the parents know how to interpret your son's needs and discomforts, his claims and fears, the couple begins to be more autonomous and it is not so much up to us, the toilets, those that behind a table we give quite standard advice, which we believe are good for all children but that is not always the case, and that we each explain it in a different way to the point of offering contrary solutions.
For my part, I can only apologize (for the part that touches me) because we do not agree or we will surely get in a long time, and insist on what I say: "Don't pay much attention to us, don't do it to anyone other than your baby".
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Are you a first time mother? Get ready to receive hundreds of opposing tips, The 11 things first-time parents learn in the first few days, Symptoms that you are first-time parents. Humor
