It is one of the greatest fears of couples when the second pregnancy arrives: What will happen to the oldest? How will you receive the new baby? Will you be jealous? Will you throw it in our face?
They are normal fears, such as the fear of not having enough time for the elderly and not being able to love the second as the first. But it is already done: the pregnancy is still going on and if everything goes well a second baby will be born who will come home to live with you, so maybe you can serve these nine tips to avoid brother's jealousy when the newborn comes home.
The zero tip: raise him to be happy
The reality is that the first advice is not one that is carried out from the moment it is known that mom is pregnant with the second baby, but one that begins already on the day the eldest is born: raise him to be happy, or what is the same, leave him free so that he can be himself and transmit values to him so that he can live in the society in which we live.
In Babies and more Avoid jealousy between siblings: more than helping to take care of the baby, feel comfortableSome time ago I wrote about this, so I don't extend much. Let's say that everything lies in spending time with him and that that time is of mother and father, that is, that we are there for them: that we be his example, his guide, that we communicate, that we ask him how the day has passed, that we tell him how ours has been, that he knows that we also have some problems and concerns, that he tells us his own, that let's enjoy together the good things in life and that you can tell us about the bad things in your life, while we listen to him.
When all this happens, when we play, laugh and cry together, many children feel dear and important within the family (not above the family, but one more), and when a brother arrives he has no problem receiving him as well as one more.
But sometimes it happens, despite everything
But that's what the theory says, and although many times it is, it doesn't always happen that way because not all older siblings are the same age or are at the same vital moment.
Some have just entered school or nursery school and are already going through some complicated changes; some have separated for the first time from mom for a few days, due to childbirth, and they feel strange, in a dynamic they don't know; and some do not reach two years of life, or do not have much more of that age and do not get to rationalize what the arrival of a new baby means, to give some examples. This is why these tips can be useful for giving an orientation to the future parents of a second baby:
In Babies and more Jealousy between brothers: recommendations1. Go to visit the new baby
Go to the hospital, if the baby was born there, to meet the new baby and see mom. There he can be with her again (if he is with whom he has more affinity, which is usual), and she can be a little for him, even if he has the baby in his arms or the tit; asking him things, talking with him, explaining how the baby was born, telling him how much they will play together when the baby grows up and already knows how to play, etc.
2. That mom bring a gift to the elder when she returns home
Actually the greatest gift for the greatest is that mom come home and that everything goes back a little to her channel, although in reality everything will be quite different. That is why it may be a good idea for Mom to bring her a special gift to celebrate her return home, which may be a game or story that they can enjoy together at some time.
It may also be good if, if you want, he himself makes a gift to mom and the baby to celebrate his arrival.
3. Find a time to be with him
Although it is difficult to find it, try to find a moment every day to be alone with him. Both mom and dad should find time to enjoy their two children exclusively, although here the baby rules above all. If you are crying because you want to be with mom, the rest becomes secondary.
So what can be done is also enjoy the eldest in the presence of the little one (For the older child it is quite revealing to realize that, even when Mom is with the little brother, she can continue playing, telling stories and reading stories with him).
4. Let him also talk about him
People will come to meet the little one, and they will take pictures and take pictures with him. This should not isolate the elder, which should also be included in all these situations: that people also talk with the elder, that they also photograph themselves with him and the baby, etc.
5. That he also give something to him
If the visits bring a gift for the little one, a detail to celebrate his birth, it would be good if they brought him some detail also to the greatest. Just in case, parents can have some things ready (if someone comes without a gift for the elder) just in case you have to do some "rescue."
There is also no need for a gift at all visits if the child is doing well, but it can be a useful resource if you see that everyone thinks it is great to give things to the new baby and with him you do not have the same deference.
In Babies and more, Me more, me before, I better: the competition between brothers 6. That other adults spend time with him
I always explain that around 2 or 3 years ago my children began to spend more time with me. If until then mom was practically the only one they went to when they had a problem, from that age they began to have a lot of bond with me: games, laughs, magic, trust, pranks ... all those things that arise from the relationship between a father and a son (also of the mother, of course, but as until then they don't pay much attention to us, since he arrives later), and this helped a lot in the arrival of each next brother.
That the father makes a solid bond with the elder can be a great help for when the baby arrives. Also that another family member, like some grandfather or grandmother, does that can take the child to the park, to the movies, to have a snack, to play, and that in those complicated days when mom can barely be there, see that it is not No one wants, but you can't. And that as mom has it complicated, she will look for some gap at another time, but in the meantime she can have fun with other people as well.
7. Talk frankly if you are worried
There may be times when you really feel disoriented and worried, and you cry, complain or even have a tantrum. It will be normal, and it will be a good time, when he calms down a bit, to talk about everything that is happening to him.
Explain that we understand you perfectly, that we know how you feel, and that we have not stopped loving him, much less. That we will look for moments to continue having fun as always, that many children like him (that there are days when they feel weird, as out of place) and that the best of all is that when the baby grows, they can play a lot, but now you have to take care of him because he is so small.
8. Show him pictures of when he was little
To explain the baby's needs, it may be very good to explain a story related to the care babies require, and even stories about jealousy, and make use of the photos we have with the eldest, when I was a baby.
That he sees himself as a little boy, sucking, being caught in the arms, on the floor, unable to do anything, and that he thus understands why his little brother needs so much time from mom and dad. In this way you will also understand that it is not a matter of replacing him with the other, but that all children have a time when they are young and their parents have to help them because they do not know how to do almost anything.
9. What if it attracts a lot of attention?
It may happen that, despite everything, we notice that it attracts us a lot of attention. And he can do this for good, or he can do it for bad. When I say bad times, I mean get angry, throw things, yell at us, say no when it's yes, or yes when it's no, everything seems wrong and refuses to listen to us.
It is not really evil; It doesn't really hurt us. It is only his way of telling us that he does not agree with what he is living and that we must show him again that we love him. Is a full-fledged proof of love.
The problem is that their demands for us to show our love can be exaggerated (or unbalanced). So exaggerated that if we try to fulfill them, we can leave the baby unattended, or we can even do things that make us feel uncomfortable and completely managed. As if suddenly it was he who says what to do at home and when.
Then we have to work our demonstrations of love little by little, because in a relationship of affection it cannot be that one of the parties has to prove it feeling bad, or feeling obliged to do it: it cannot be that the mother or the father feels bad in order to please the son, as if they felt guilty for having brought a second child into the world and accepted the punishment of the eldest.
We must take charge of the situation and tell him that we want to be with him, that we love him, and that we will spend time with him, but not when he can't be. We can not leave the baby crying to meet their demand for play, but we can take care of the baby at that time and play with him when the baby is calm.
Little by little, we have to see that we do love him, that we do have time for him, but that it is we who say when it is a good time for it. It is a balance between the needs of all family members, it is a teaching in living together, it is to show you that we understand their needs, but that they cannot always be met when you want, if that entails the suffering of other people.
"It's not that it seems unimportant to play with you, it's that now I have to do other things and I won't even be able to play with you ... I want us to be together and have a good time, so we'll look a moment later to do it." And this can also be done by dad: "As mom is with the baby, do you play with me? I want to play with you, what could we do?"
To all this add the star ingredients: patience Y common sense.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Avoid jealousy between siblings: more than helping to care for the baby, who feels comfortable, Jealousy between siblings, Me more, me before, I better: competition between siblings
