You broke up and now you've met someone new, someone you really like, someone you want to share your life with, but ... does your children like it too? It is common for children to show certain reluctance and / or initial rejection of our new partner, but ... when should we worry? How to detect that something is wrong in the relationship between them and your new partner?
The idea that children have a bad time before the arrival of a new person in the family is something that often conditions, on many occasions, the establishment of new relationships for those who ended their marriage / relationship. The welfare of the children comes first, that is indisputable
Not everything is due to the new relationship
Many of the reactions that we can observe in children are usually more related to separation / divorce than with the arrival of the new couple.
With good management and the passage of time itself, which makes children adapt to the new situation and normalize it, they do not have to present a greater problem for our children. We must not, therefore, worry too much, but we must take care.
AdvertisingChildren usually react differently to family changes according to their age:
Babies, for example, may show some separation anxiety from the parent that is not present.
Young children, of preschool age, can return to previous stadiums who have already overcome, for example, talking again like a baby, peeing in bed ...
In the case of slightly older children, anxiety comes from uncertainty about the changes their lives will suffer: where are we going to live? What will happen to my room, my toys and my friends? When will I see Dad / Mom or how will I talk to the one who isn't?
In adolescents behaviors of disobedience of norms, certain isolation, may appear rejection to the parents, etc.
As I say, these reactions usually occur in situations in which the children have not finished elaborating the rupture of the father-mother couple and the change that this has meant. It is important that we work with them on these aspects to make the transition successful.
A new person to their lives
The arrival of a new couple only reminds or confirms that dad and mom's relationship has no fix, and this can cause them discomfort, regardless of whether they like that person more or less.
Children usually harbor, at least for a while, the illusion that the family is going to "rebuild," that dad and mom will be together again. When we introduce our new partner we are sending a clear message: that's not gonna happen. From that moment they have to start reconfiguring their approaches in this regard and generate new projections and futures.
In this we can help you by maintaining a fluid communication at all times, especially since the beginning of the process of breaking up the couple, telling them what will happen, what the separation will consist of, how we are going to manage time, visits, etc. That is, eliminating your doubts we encourage them to generate some realistic expectations to help them face it in the best possible way.
Signs that your child does not like your new partner
We must start from the basis that the usual thing is that it is not easy for the children to adapt to the new couple, but beware, one thing is that it is not easy and another that becomes a problem.
Many of the reactions we can observe when our children are not comfortable with our new partner are similar to those that may appear before (and during) the separation. If the signs of discomfort that I mentioned before become more powerful and lasting in time, we must take action on the matter as soon as possible. They can also occur:
- Difficulty falling asleep
- Nightmares
- Agitation: they move a lot, they seem nervous.
- Features depressive: in the case of children, unlike adults, they take the form of aggressive behaviors and responses.
- Rejection active of that person: not wanting to be with her, disobey her, face her ...
What can we do?
- The main thing is to make it clear, with our words and especially with our behavior, that they remain special, the most special for us, that we are going to love, unconditionally, no matter what. No one comes to replace them.
- Make joint plans.
- Maintain and patent the Standards of Conduct: that the family situation has changed does not mean that the rules have also done so.
- Establish routines together: there is nothing like repeating patterns for children to normalize something.
- Encourage our partner to take responsibility for some care and part of education, in this way children will perceive it as a reference adult.
- Avoid, at least initially, physical affective demonstrations, since children tend to be uncomfortable before them. Showing affection is very positive, but verbally.
- Of course we must observe the behavior of our new partner and maintain open communication with her about it: she may not feel comfortable with our children, and the problem is bi-directional. What would be the signs? For example, if you do not speak directly to them (but do so through us), if the plans do not usually include children, if you do not respond satisfactorily to their needs, etc. In these cases we must approach it with our partner to find solutions ... or mark the end.
Photos: Pexels.com; Pixabay.com In Babies and more: Shared custody, right or duty ?: a joint custody of their children against their will is imposed
