Take a look at the vignette, of the great Forges, and tell me that you have never thought about it. I laughed looking at her, I laughed with the "Tontolhaba", but I did it because I have been a father for seven years and I have been a little tanned. Come on, I have already overcome the trauma, but I have to confess that with Jon, my first child, and in the first years, I often thought about it ... And we will not create a trauma?
Obviously, the situations were not those of my son hammering us, but I did give in to him in things that I don't let the little ones do now. Do you know that little brothers have the easiest way because the elders have already paved the way? Well look, in my case and in my house it has been different ... the one who had it easier was Jon, because we always walked with lead feet and wearing it between cottons, that's why fear of creating some trauma.
The passage of authoritarianism to its contrary
It is logical, or it seems logical, because as a father I had no reference in which to look. I had only seen my father and mother being father and mother, and of course, that of authoritarianism, punishments, cheeks, "because I command", "because I say so," "for your sake" and "When you're a father you'll understand" I didn't like it, come on, that I rejected my parents' methods and then I ran out of a guide. I decided that the guide was going to be my son, and although that is very beneficial for the children, because you are able to cover all their needs, once they grow up you can end up mixing real needs with whims, or with attention calls, and understand everything wrong .
Come on, you can fall into the opposite of authoritarianism, which could be absolute permissiveness, which is possibly more dangerous than authoritarianism. It is leaving behind the comprehensive control model that oppresses children's wishes to model them and that they are helpful and obedient individuals to take another in which the child has control and the helpful and obedient become their parents.
The one is detrimental because of the limitation and the other is detrimental because it is too limited, because it is too liberal, at the risk that the child ends up thinking that everything revolves around him, really and forever, and that he believes that certainly everyone We must serve you.
I soon saw that I needed a father
Miriam was less permissive than me, she knew how to weather the storms, and I was a little behind, always thinking about that "I don't want my son to be the son I was, I don't want to create a trauma". Not that what Jon did was terrible, it almost never was, but those few times I didn't feel quite right. I let my son do things that generated conflict for me, because I would prefer not to do them.
Thus I realized that he, and children who grow up in very permissive environments, seems to they are asking, with their actions, what reactions: "As you never tell me Do not, I go on and on, let's see how far I can go "," this being free is very good, I even like to control you but, don't you think you should act like a father? ". It's not that children know how they should act a father but they do know that they need a guide, because the world is very big for them, and they need a model to look at to learn and develop, a mirror to look at. If instead of modeling we are at your service, we are no longer teaching you anything, because we only do what they order and command, and We do not serve as a reference.
I realized this and began to control situations more. It's not that I said "No" many more times, it's that I stopped being a servant to become a father, a model, a guide. I forgot the trauma question: And I won't create a trauma? I went from it, because that could not be the premise on which to base the education of a child.
I don't know if I'll create a trauma or not, I thought, it's not in my hand. What is in my hand is to do the right thing, to do what is right, to show you how I do it, to explain things as they are, or as I see them, not to lie to you, to be honest, humble, good person , respectful, to keep him in mind, but without forcing, because there will be times when I will really like to play with him, but there will be times when I really will not be able to or not (I have been very few), and I will explain that.
I will give him what I can give him, but I will not give him what he cannot be. I will not deny you kisses, hugs, or the dialogue you need, but I will not tell you everything, because not everything can be yes. In short, I will respect you, as until now, but Now I will teach you to respect me too, and I will do that by being consistent with myself and not doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, to please him.
It is difficult to explain it, without examples, but I think that between what has been explained and everything that I have written during so many blog entries, it is understood where I am going. So in summary, I am no longer just his friend (there are those who say that a father cannot be his son's friend, who has to be only his father), I am now his friend and also his father, the one that says no when you have to say it, because the important thing is never to say no, or to say it a lot so that you learn what is right or what is wrong. The important thing is to know when to say it.
That is why now, with his brothers, Aran and Guim, I no longer think about traumas or future things. I don't do it because, being consistent, things don't have to be done so that your children are or aren't one way or another. Things are done in a certain way because you think they should be done like this.
I did not decide not to hit or punish or humiliate them to avoid trauma. I decided not to do it out of respect, because that is not done. If for not telling them things as they are, how far they can go and where they start to annoy others, my children will have a trauma, because I feel sorry for them, the trauma is not taken away from anyone, but I will live peacefully for having I have done things as I think they have to be done, respecting them and treating them as I would like to be treated and as I would like to have been treated when I was a small child. Children need parents, not servants (nor tontolhabas).
