Jaume Funes, psychologist, educator and journalist is clear: "I've never found bad teenagers", and that, as he tells us, has worked with street gang boys or heroin problems. "I wish we were all like teenagers", he assures.
In fact his last book "Love me when I least deserve it ... because that's when I need it most" is a guide for parents and teachers of teenagers.
Funes has talked with us about the abilities of these children (which are many) and answers our questions to help us live actively and positively with our youth.
We can't leave them alone
We are not going to fool ourselves. Let the father or mother who has never felt disoriented and helpless before any attitude of their teenage son raise their hands. Hard, right? We strive for them since they are born, they adore us and suddenly, it seems that they do not want to know anything about us, as if we no longer understood each other.
AdvertisingAnd yet, Jaume Funes, psychologist and educator, who has been working with young people for many years, assures us that it is only a pose, that they really still need us:
"First of all we must let them grow and try to understand that their apparently harsh responses are nothing but hidden messages to continue feeling loved, so as not to feel forced to discover life alone."
We like your point of view, we have found the advice for parents and teenagers that your latest book "Love Me when I least deserve it ... because it is when I need it most" is very useful.
So we have continued asking him what to do to reach an emotional balance that helps us improve the relationship with our children. These are your answers.
In Babies and more "We have to place ourselves behind our teenage children to help them take off," we talked with Josep López RomeroHow are our teenagers?
They are governed by criteria of curiosity, want to innovate, change life. But, as I see in the cloisters of secondary school teachers, we get carried away by their 'bad reputation' and are unable to see the teenager.
First we look at their problems and do not think that they are characters that are discovering life and make us uncomfortable because they lead us to controversy, hate hypocrisy, and move us from our adult armchair. And we blame everything on having a problem.
But it doesn't have to be this way: it is its logic that we have to discover and understand.
Can parents continue to educate them?
Of course! Troubled kids are those who don't have anyone around them. It is true that we are not worth, nor need, our guardianship when they were children, but we must continue educating them.
And how can we do it? Negotiating and getting angry, because it is difficult to live together without any conflict.
Now they need a different educational relationship and we debate between fighting or moving from them. We have to understand that they are addicted to discover life, to become responsible adults.
In Babies and more These are the main physical changes children experience before and during adolescenceBut what if we fail as parents?
There are no parents disasters, just as there are no 'Ikea' children. That is, those couples who have the whole house and lack a child that looks good in the whole.
Because that child grows up, and parents are tired and do not know how to treat that new character that their child has become. He seems to know everything and is not interested in parental experience. And he doesn't even let his parents hug him ...
At this time in his life, we have to discover other ways to help the teenager and if we don't know, ask for help as soon as possible.
In Babies and more17 books recommended for teenagers from 12 to 15 years oldHow can we help our son?
Parents have to understand that they are angry and that although it seems otherwise, they do not 'get by' alone. It is an awkward moment with them, although they want to live together, but at a distance.
They only seek company when they need it, and that is what most bothers adults. "He loves me, but it depends on the day" and they cannot be left alone because they would be lost.
And as parents, nothing happens to do it wrong. We have the right to get hysterical (it is normal to get rid of us), but we do have to acknowledge later that they were wrong.
We are human beings before a provocative character par excellence. We can be very rigid and overwhelm you, overwhelm you. Nothing happens to recognize: "Yesterday was bad".
"The most important thing is that they know that they have us there before any difficulty, that we are accessible and that they can talk with us about any subject."Also, although it is clear that parents cannot be friends with their teenage children, yes they can count on other adults they can rely on.
And we can stay for the end, but always present, when they have nowhere else to go. We are his parents.
Any clue to educate them?
1. Learn to look at them, to discover how they are, what interests them in the whole of their life, what they do in their day to day and not only talk to them when they have problems.
2. Accompany every day, because they don't change overnight. You have to tell them every day that we are there and keep calm with them, since they do not evolve linearly.
3. Help them discover their feelings. Have someone close to help you to be honest, even if we are not your parents.
4. Do not pretend that they are as we want. In adolescence they turn everything upside down. They may end up being as we want, but not in these years.
Now they have to live and be happy. We have to let them be themselves.
5. Understand your concerns. We live in a society where part of the worries we create them and they receive them induced from outside.
First they must clarify with themselves the changes of puberty, discover how they are, what they want to be ...
And today it is even more complicated because they create their identity in social networks, and it is universal.
In Babies and more, Super Pop is YouTube today: what do our teenage children see on the Internet?So you have to accompany them but let them experiment, discover what they can do and what not. They are in a different world from childhood and see that there is another life besides school and that also creates anguish and concern.
They struggle to accept what they sell and find explanations for politics, history ...
But Your biggest concern may focus on your friendships, in copying an identity of those who are like them.
Because it is clear that I couldn't be a teenager without having a network of equal member relationships. And when it doesn't exist, the problems begin.
Therefore, we must understand them and understand that they pay more attention to their friends because they live the same, although we do not like those friendships and their relationship creates an extra concern.
How to help them if they don't communicate with us?
There is an entire chapter in Jaume Funes' book dedicated to 'How to ask a teenager and get a useful answer?' Which makes it clear how much we are concerned about parents 'lack of communication' with our teenage children. And this is confirmed by the author, giving us some tricks.
They will open if:
We know how to take advantage of the opportune moments. Although they are the most inopportune for us, it is when we are most tired.
Do not perform an interrogation as soon as they enter through the door.
Ask at times when they don't expect it.
Sharing our life with them. Changing roles also reassures.
Sit with them and ask, if we don't expect them to open to us in another way. They may not give us the reason or seem not to listen, but we will get the idea. Of course, always looking for dialogue, not confrontation.
And at the end of the book, there is still a question floating in the air and that we share with the author:
"Will we ever be able to see teenagers' lives in positive and not as a problem?"And for our sake and that of our children I want to believe so: because we love them as they are and they are worth a lot, although sometimes they get us out of our boxes. They are fantastic boys.
In Babies and more "Most teenagers are fantastic boys, but they don't go out on the news," we talked to psychologist Silvia ÁlavaAt least we have the comfort of regret that we too were teenagers and that we managed to overcome it. So they will also pass this stage.
Photos | iStock
Love me when I least deserve it ... because that's when I need it most: A guide for parents and teachers of teenagers (Disclosure-Self Help)
Today in amazon for € 17
