The first Christmas with a baby At home they can be a reason for great joy but also a lack of control in the routines that can destabilize our search for balance and tranquility so necessary for us and our son.
That's why we are going to interview the psychologist María López de Hierro, which will help us find a way to enjoy these parties and the baby's first Christmas without compromising the welfare of our little one and our own.
Maria, Christmas customs often bring meetings with the family, more noise and breaking routines, late meals and a lot of hustle, can that be compatible with enjoying our baby adapting to these changes?
Every baby is different, no matter how old he is, so the one who we need to adapt to is our newcomer. No one better than us knows our baby, its rhythms and peculiarities. If we manage to respect this aspect, we will be able to make the most of these parties without stress.
There is a phrase that I like and it is one that says that children only grow up once.
Soon, before we know it, our children will have grown up and be ready to watch the Three Kings Parade absorbed, hold the family reunions a little longer, sleep restlessly and get up at 6 in the morning (at best) to run to open his presents as if there was no tomorrow ... Even one good day we will have to convince them to participate in these meetings to those who will reluctantly attend. Meanwhile, it will be better to enjoy the moments of serenity that our child needs. In its first Christmas, the main thing is that we must adapt to the needs of the baby. After all, everything comes.
Can overstimulation and schedule changes affect you negatively? And to us?
A baby can get excited very easily, especially when he has a susceptible temperament. For them everything is new and striking. To understand the impact of the stimuli on them, it is enough to put ourselves in their place for a moment: many new, unknown faces that want to take us in arms, bright colored lights, sounds, smells ... For each child the threshold is different, but once it is exceeded to reassure him it is an arduous task. The child cries and this type of crying is truly distressing for the parents, which we will usually begin to do “the thousand and one” to calm them without result. And the vicious circle begins: we get nervous, they get nervous. It is best to prevent, but if we have reached this point, we should take a few seconds to breathe, observe, think and treat it gently, moving away from the environment and rocking slowly, with the light dim and even off.
And the change of schedules?
Regarding the change of schedules, it is not positive either. Routines and rituals are important. Once established in our day to day, these repetitive acts provide security to the baby, because in this way he knows what will happen, what comes next. During this period, the more we can adapt to the usual customs, the better, although it is not necessary to watch the clock: the baby will tell us at all times what he needs if we pay enough attention and act with common sense.
Should we listen to our instinct?
Always, every hour, every minute, throughout the year. And of a lifetime. And it is curious, because the more we listen to him, the more easily he comes to us. Recovering the instinct that is so blurred in the current times should be almost a must..
I follow two basic rules: pay attention to instinct and stop to observe.
A typical example of these dates is when we don't fancy anything that others take the baby, but still we give it up for not appearing unfriendly. Or to notice that he is tired and irritable and to pay attention to the “dinner you first and you go to bed later”… when at the end you do not have quiet dinner, or your baby that decision benefits you at all.
How and where do you advise us to celebrate a baby's first Christmas?
We have to differentiate the age of the little one. A newborn of days is not the same as a baby of eight months. The needs or rather the tolerance of both are different. If it is very small, newborn, perhaps for the tandem mom-baby it is too busy to enter the maelstrom of the parties and the most appropriate is to spend a quiet evening at home in privacy. We have to ensure the welfare of the baby, but also that of the mother, even more so if she is in the puerperium. Your small family nucleus can be perfect for a quiet celebration, without carols at full volume or a baby of a few days passing from one arm to another and who obviously does not understand what happens or the meaning of the parties. The warmth of the recollection in your home can be the perfect solution if you wish. If you are older and we decide to spend these dates surrounded by our extended family, it may be positive to choose to go out to celebrate someone else's house instead of inviting ours. If with a small child it is difficult for us to sit down to have dinner quietly one day every day, it is more so having to prepare dinner for the guests and then having to pick up. In addition, if we opt for a relative's house, we can always leave when we see fit.
What schedules would be ideal for the child and we do not overwhelm?
Each family has their schedules, their customs. Ideally, try that the variations in the routine are not exaggerated. In these dates, dinners are common, in which we finish at untimely hours, so an idea would be to celebrate during lunch or to advance dinner time and thus, all happy.
How can we explain to the family that we have decided not to go to a celebration without being offended or minimizing their anger if they are not understanding?
Always with sincerity, firmness, tranquility and some left hand on the basis that we have to protect the weakest, which in this case is the baby. Surely they are looking forward to seeing you and enjoying your offspring, but after all it is your son who suffers and at the moment of truth we are the parents who have to deal with the consequences, so a simple and clear explanation would suffice . If it turns out that they don't show understanding, we will stay with some upset adults, but with a calm and happy baby and parents consistent with their instincts and who have done what they thought they had to do. I don't think it's a bad balance.
Family gatherings are sometimes the time when we receive the most criticism of our parenting options, how do you advise us to address them?
With patience and sense of humor. It seems that everyone knows how to raise a baby. And in the end, whatever you do, there will always be those who think you are doing it wrong. Any style of parenting receives criticism and while we hope to receive support from our loved ones, who are precisely with whom we have more contact these dates, we come across unnecessary comments and in many cases hurtful. Our reaction will vary if we are mothers for the first time, and what to say if we recently gave birth and we continue with the emotion to the surface. With a second child or an older child, it is more difficult for us to wobble. There are two fundamental pillars: information and empowerment. I explain myself: Information is power, because it is the weapon with which we manage to make solid decisions being able to defend them later on a good basis. And empowerment, that magnificent quality that so many women are recovering, represents the capacity that each of us has to take charge of our lives, to decide and take responsibility for our decisions and the consequences that can be derived from them. In this way we win in security and can respond to criticism assertively because we will not feel attacked: "I appreciate your comment, but in my house we prefer to do so" (smile through). There are other formulas such as ignoring and nodding, giving fair information, changing the subject, mentioning professional data (WHO recommendations for example) in a very long and complicated monologue that ends up boring the listener ... But in case of doubt there is one that never fails: get a few absurd answers to the most common questions or criticisms (Does he sleep with you? But is he still breastfeeding? Do not take him so much in arms that you will spoil him and other niceties), in order to leave the interlocutor out of place without being offended, of course.
We thank the psychologist María López de Hierro this interview in which he has given very lucid and assertive advice so that we can spend a first merry Christmas with a baby.
