Many couples often discuss what they do or stop doing at home. Having a child, or more than one, exponentially increases responsibilities at home, and when the mother focuses on the care of the baby or children, and also tries to keep the house so that it does not fall apart (when the children are able to put and take things out of the drawers, for example), many men complain when they get home because they see that there is still much to do.
Has it happened to you? Your husband does not value what you do at home when you are with children? With this solution you will be silent forever.
How can they complain?
Because they don't know. They are not aware of how hard it can be to take care of a baby that does not resemble the type baby that everyone talks about. They always tell us that babies are adorable and that they only eat and sleep, and mothers and fathers think that the newborn will only steal them a few minutes every several hours to eat a little and then go back to sleep.
I know women who have said they were going to take advantage of maternity leave, in addition to caring for the baby, to do a hundred and one things, projects that had pending, study, advance something they had detained, because four months go a long way.
And then they realize that the story they tell you may not be fulfilled (almost never fulfilled), and that babies eat and sleep, but they also cry, complain, want arms, do not consent to leave them alone, even cry in arms, they scream when they want to poop and can't, and a long etcetera that makes the woman looks "kidnapped" Y the husband doesn't understand anything.
That he arrives in the afternoon and says "how is everything, have you done nothing?", Which ignites her anger that she can't do it anymore and says "take the child, I'm going to the shower", while he takes it surprised because he sees that the house is far from being collected.
Some men, I hope that most, talk about this with them and soon understand that being fathers is harder than they thought. They even talk to a father friend who confirms that it is quite hard because people are very encouraged to have children but then it hardly helps you.
From that moment they realize how idiots they have been saying that and change their speech to go to roll up the house, with the child and with her, in plan: We are a team, we are a family.
Other men see it differently and do not stop arguing or letting go once in a while. That if "my mother raised four, it can not be so difficult with one", "it will be that you have it so much in your arms that you have made it dependent", "you should leave it alone, even if it cries, that you do not advance" or the known " it is not fair that I arrive from work tired and I have to get home because you have done virtually nothing".
Is your husband one of these? Here the solution
It is not really a pleasant solution to take for a woman, but for a man to value the work he gets to do at home, despite not being paid, he has to understand what it is.
If you speak it, you realize, perfect. If he speaks it, he doesn't realize it, and as we say he complains about everything he does and how little he thinks the mother does, because she "only" has to be around the house and the children, there may come a time in the that the relationship is tense, very tense. He pressing her to reach more, and she pressing for him to do more. And in the end one yields, and often it is she, who tries to do more than she can at the risk of a day busting.
Well before busting, if you want to try, do the following: leave home and leave the baby, or the children. If you breastfeed it may not be long, because you will have to go back to breastfeed, but if you already eat or take a bottle you can perfectly tell him that it is his business. That you have things to do and that you are very calm because, in total, "taking care of children is not so much," as he always tells you.
Oh, and that he remembers to take the clothes out of the washing machine when he finishes, that he makes the food and that he has to wash the dishes and everything that is pending so that, when you return home, everything is as he would like it to be When he arrives and complains.
The woman who left home; the man who wrote a letter
Spread a shared letter online from a man whose wife left home, tired of his demands, leaving him alone with the children. I share it despite not being true because it could well be.
And, in the same way that the men most involved in the care of their children realize that it is not an easy thing, and that it costs to be able to do something else when you are with them, those who are less involved soon discover it when , for whatever reason, they have to do what she normally does.
I leave you with the letter:
My love:Two days ago we had a strong discussion. I had arrived tired of work problems. It was 20:00 at night and all I wanted was to sit on the couch to watch the game.
Seeing you I found you exhausted and bad. The children were fighting and the baby cried while you tried to sleep him.
I only raised the volume of the TV.
- It wouldn't be bad if you helped me a little and that you get more involved in raising your children - you told me angrily as you lowered the volume of the TV.
I annoyed I replied that "I spent all day working so that you could stay to play dolls at home."
The discussion became long. You cried of helplessness and tiredness. I said cruel things. You yelled at me that you couldn't do it anymore. You left home crying and left me alone with the children.
I had to give the children dinner and put them to bed. The next day you had not returned, I had to ask my boss for the day off and stay to take care of the children.
I lived the tantrums and the cries.
I lived being running without stopping and not having a moment to bathe.
I lived having to prepare milk, dress a child and clean the kitchen at the same time.
I lived being locked up all day without talking to anyone over ten years old.
I lived not being able to eat quietly, sitting at a table and in my time for being chasing a child.
I lived being so physically and mentally exhausted that I only wanted to sleep 20 hours in a row but had to wake up three hours after falling asleep because the baby was crying.
I lived two days and two nights in your shoes and I can tell you that I understand now.
I understand your tiredness.
I understand that being a mom is a constant renunciation.
I understand that it is more exhausting than 10 hours between business sharks and economic decisions.
I understand the sadness that you will renounce your profession and your economic freedom for not missing being present in the upbringing of your children.
I understand the uncertainty you feel that your economy no longer depends on you, but on your partner.
I understand the sacrifices of not having time to go out with your friends, exercise or sleep the entire night.
I understand how difficult it can be to feel locked up taking care of children and feeling that you miss what is happening outside.
I even understand the anger that my mother criticizes your way of educating our children because no one will know what is best for their children than their own mother.
I understand that being a mom you carry the heaviest burden in society. The one that nobody recognizes, values or remunerates.
I am writing this letter not only for you to come back because I miss you, but because I do not want another day to pass without telling you before the day ends:
"You are very brave, you are doing very well and I admire you."
Really, it is that even those who participate in the upbringing and education of our children are far from understanding everything that our partners have come to do for their children, our children, and what they do on a day-to-day basis when they decide to stay in Home to take care of them.
So that's what women should hear from us: that if it weren't for you, we would have it raw. And that you are doing great, that children are very lucky to have you and that you have all our admiration and support, because you are worth it.
If this is not what they tell you, you know: leave them children. It does not fail.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Now I understand why many couples separate when they have children, Why no recent mother should spend a lot of time alone (or feel lonely), The role of the father in the baby's first weeks of life
