When we shout at our children we generate, among other things, fear, sadness, anger, low self-esteem and insecurities, loneliness, anxieties, bad example, stress, anger aggressiveness, etc. And although you may think that they yelled at you and you have not assumed any of this, if you reflect on it you will surely be reflected in moments when you lose your nerves and do not know why you have lost them so soon.
The screams leave a mark on the children's personality and we should avoid them in the education of our children. To get it, Tania Garcia, founder of Edurespeta and author of the book 'Guide for imperfect mothers and fathers who understand that their children are too' gives us eight keys to educate without shouting. It's possible!
It is not easy, it will be an effort, but certainly the change is for the better. If you set your mind it is possible to eradicate the screams in the way of breeding. What can we change to achieve it? Tania gives us some guidelines to transform this reality and educate without shouting:
Empathy: learn to put yourself in your children's place
Empathy is the queen of all relationships, without empathy there can be no real relationship. If we do not do this empathic exercise with the children, we can never understand them and, therefore, we will not know what they really need and why they act in one way or another.
Learning to empathize in each and every moment, but in difficult times even more, it will help you to Do not get carried away by your anger, breathe, reflect and understand that children are children and although we cannot give him what they request, we do understand and support them emotionally.
You must stop looking at your children from adult eyes, and therefore, from your inner adult requests and desires, and focus on your inner request. They see life from another perspective and from that same one you will have to start looking at yourself, so that everything is cohesive, calm and positive in your home.
For example, your 7-year-old son does not want to go to school because it is Friday and he is very tired of the whole week and now he cries desperately asking not to go. Without empathizing, you would lose patience at the first exchange, you would tell him to stop complaining that you are going to be late, and that you have to be responsible, even if you don't want to. On the other hand, if you empathize, reflect, and calm your first impulse, you simply have to leave your emotions behind and connect with his. And even if you have to go to school in the same way, you will go together, feeling supported between you and he understood. Empathy will give you the key to open all the doors.
Set an example: you are the mirror
You are the mirror where your children look at each other, you are their guide, their most precious treasure. That is why if I had to choose an important tool to educate children, it would be precisely to set a good example.
Through the example we can teach not to shout, to treat people well even in the most tense moments, to eat healthy, to brush their teeth, to support the people we love, to respect everyone and everything, etc. Never do with your children what you don't like to be done to you, because then that is the example you are giving. And although we are human, there are limits that should never be crossed and in this way we teach our sons and daughters not to cross them.
Know your adult emotions
Know and recognize your emotions and manage them before it's too late. Humans are emotional beings, we depend on our emotions in all the actions we perform and in all the situations we live.
When we wake up in the morning, we feel; when we talk to our mother, we feel; When we watch a movie, we feel, and, of course, when we interact with our children, we feel. It is because of that we must always be aware of what we feel, of the reasons we have to feel it and what causes us for what we feel.
Being totally connected with what we feel when our three-year-old daughter hits her cousin in the family reunion is very important to properly manage the situation. You may be thinking: "I am angry that I do this, it makes me look bad, like a mother with a rude girl." If you let yourself be guided by this thought, you will end up screaming angry.
You must feel it and recognize what is happening to you internally, you must have control over what is happening to you and how you manage the situation. It is important to know in depth what we feel and how it develops externally to to be friends with your children's anger although now it seems impossible to you and therefore have enough tranquility and tools to teach your daughter what is right and what is wrong, help her curb her aggression or anger, from common sense, with good manners, tone of adequate voice and empathy.
We are not perfect, but we can work to be better mothers and fathers and, therefore, better people.Before exploding, reflect
Reflection is almost impossible if we do not know one's emotions, therefore, it is important to achieve goals and realize that one thing leads to another.
Once you know what happens to you and why, you are able to control yourself, it is time to breathe deeply and reflect on whether that situation is so important or serious or something purely of children and that only takes me out of my boxes for my adult vision.
If it is something to pay attention to, then as parents we must relax our emotion and solve the problem from empathy and coherence.
Accompany your children's emotions
You must offer them emotional support whatever the reason they are angry, frustrated or exploited. It is essential in the lives of our children to feel loved unconditionally both good and bad. This does not mean that we applaud some incorrect fact, but that they feel that we are there, that we do not share their way of expressing their anger, but that we are there, to guide them along the path with common sense and coherence.
When our children go through difficult times and intense emotions, we must show support, dedication and attention, physical contact if they accept it, real information about what happens, protection, words of understanding and affection, empathy, respect, guidance, common sense. and love, much love Love is never too much.We should never confuse emotional support with permissiveness.
Positive dialogue
It is important to be aware that we must respect our children at all times, words matter and not only what we tell them, but also how. You have to talk quietly, with a calm and positive tone of voice, looking into your eyes and putting yourself at your height.
You have to give empathic explanations and, in turn, you can understand according to the stage you are in. A dialogue in which the screams, threats, blackmails, comparisons and labels that do so much damage and that only separate us from our children and their real emotional needs are totally discarded.
Listen to them from the heart
Many times we go with the agenda so full of chores that we forget to listen to our children actively and from the heart. If we stopped to listen to children from an empathetic vision and from temperance, we would realize so many details and have so much valuable information for their emotions and their day to day. Listening a lot to our children, without judgments, we can avoid many undesirable situations and conflict with them.
And if you scream, know how to ask for forgiveness
If we have not managed to keep the self-control at bay and we have shouted or managed the situation incorrectly, we must apologize. We all value people asking for forgiveness when they are wrong with us, however, We don't usually do it with those we love most: our children. Do not be afraid to apologize, this is how they will learn to apologize when necessary.
Photos | iStockphoto
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