One of the things that most worries parents when they decide to put an end to their relationship is the possible effect that this break has on their children. What can happen to the little one? What can we do to make divorce as little as possible for our children?
Pending the report for the year 2017, the INE (National Institute of Statistics) published last September 2017 the figures regarding separations, divorces and annulments related to 2016 in Spain. During 2016, a total of 101,294 cases of nullity, separation and divorce occurred.
A divorce or separation is not a pleasant thing, and it is not for anyone. I want to say with this that there is no way to go aseptically through it, that we do it as we do, children will always live a change in their lives. The key is that depending on how we do it the impact will be minimal or terrible.
How divorce affects children
It is impossible to establish a fixed rule about the effects of divorce in children, since there are many variables that come into play and that will determine the impact. We know that there are mainly three factors that will influence how divorce or separation from parents will affect children: the type of separation or divorce, the age of the children and their personality (and the tools they have, of course).
How adults manage separation will make a difference
According to an already classic study, for children facing the breakdown of the family nucleus, the most stressful point is exposure to their parents' conflicts.
According to the INE, in 2016 in Spain 76.6% of divorces were by mutual agreement, while the remaining 23.4% were contentious. In the case of separations, 85.1% were by mutual agreement and 14.9% were contentious. Obviously having a divorce in which both parents agree does not indicate or guarantee that everything goes smoothly or that everything is done ideally for children, but there are many more possibilities than if we do it without even talking to our ex.
No, a "friendly" separation is not the same as one by way of the contentious. The ideal? A civilized break, meditated and approached from respect, a break in which both parents are able to dialogue, in which both reach obvious and express agreements about children ... A break in which, ultimately, despite the fact that It no longer functions as a couple, it continues to function as a team for the care and education of children. And believe me, this is possible, there are many couples who make it, with effort, of course.
On the other hand, the time it takes for justice to resolve cases in which there is no agreement does not help either: the longer it takes to resolve the situation, the more time children are exposed to stress, anxiety ... which can lead to adaptation difficulties and problems. Emotional in the medium term.
Again citing the INE data, the average duration of divorces by mutual agreement was 3.1 months, while that of the contentious reached 9.9 months. Almost 10 months of uncertainty for the children, of discussions between the parents ... Let's avoid it as much as possible.
How divorce can affect children according to their age
- Babies: Babies are tremendously receptive (almost a mirror) of dad and mom's mood so that if we are tense, irritable or depressed they will notice and affect them in the same way. We can observe that they cry more, that they are irritable, that they especially need physical proximity (insecurity), etc. In addition, the fact that adults are stressed can cause the baby's stimulation and care needs not to be properly addressed, which can affect its correct development.
- Preschoolers: They are not able to understand what happens, and if the rupture is being complicated it is possible that they manifest stress, anxiety and fears. How do these manifest? Returning to previous stages of development already overcome (peeing in bed again, speaking more childish, rejection of some meals, etc.), nightmares, fear of the dark or going home alone ... As many do not yet have a knowledge and Total management of their emotions is possible that we find somatizations, physical expressions of discomfort, such as vomiting, abdominal pain ... In complicated cases we may detect that the child is especially aggressive, is the way in which children manage depression and they externalize it, not sadly like adults.
- Until about preteen children can live the separation as a conflict of loyalty ("If I want mom means I don't want dad", "If I want to go with one ...") and that this affects both their mood and school performance. Your self-esteem may be affected and begin to show behavioral problems, especially in the case of children (not following the rules, criminal behaviors, etc.)
- Adolescence: teenagers accuse a lot of conflicting separations. We may encounter depression, behavioral problems (criminal, drug use), difficulties in establishing emotional ties (or having emotional relationships both now and in the medium to long term), etc.
What can parents do so that the divorce does not affect children?
Avoid conflict
If I had to give a single answer this would be: avoid or at least reduce as much as possible the burden of conflict between adults, among the members of the “non-couple” and of course not involving the children of our adult conflict.
A cordial deal
As I said before, there are three variables that determine the impact that such a process will have on children: their age, their personality and how we manage the conflict. This, that of conflict management, depends entirely on us, the parents, so we will do everything possible to behave as civilized beings. That implies, above all things, respecting the other. Respect and dignity. Because we are parents, because we are the model of our children, because they see us, because they feel insecure ... because it is our responsibility, because they are not to blame for our relationship not working.
And if a cordial deal is not possible?
If we have reached a point where understanding is not feasible, where respect has long been lost, what we should (yes, I said we should) do is separate the two roles, that of parents and that of ex couple, and make the parents a tight department. What do I mean by this? Because it is possible that you do not want to address the word, but in front of the children, when you go to pick them up, in the school meetings, you have to be a team, because you have stopped being a couple but you have not stopped being parents.
Good communication with our children
In addition to this, which is fundamental We must have a very good communication with our children and keep them informed at all times of the steps we are going to take and especially what will happen to them.
It may seem unnecessary to say things like "You will continue to live in this house" for the obvious, but for them it is not: children in the face of changes (and this certainly is) feel great insecurity and begin to imagine terrible scenarios (It is normal, they are afraid and uncertain), so we must fill these gaps with truthful information.
Make it clear that you love him and that the separation is between you, not with him, tell him that your love will always be there, because you are his father or mother.
Do not interfere in the relationship with the other
And in relation to this, another key point to ensure the welfare of the children is not to interfere in the relationship with the other parent (except obvious situations such as abuse). We have no right to deprive him of love, proximity and learning provided by the other, no matter how much it bothers us, however much we prefer not to see him again.
Trying to do the best possible for the children must be the main objective for us parents. If the thing is complicated, if we see that our child is having a really bad time, the best thing we can do is go to a professional who advises us and helps us so that the child suffers as little as possible. Cheer up.
Photos | iStockphoto
In Babies and more: When dad or mom have a new partner: how to tell them and how to handle it with their children
