Dads and moms today are often overwhelmed. The pace of life that drags them leaves little time for reflection. Educational guidelines have changed so much in such a short time that it is difficult to know how to act in complicated circumstances. We buy a lot of things for children and we point them to many classes, we encourage young children but we have a hard time giving up adult leisure to play with them. Tired, we fall into screams, impatience and punishments, we do not know how to handle situations. And to be good parents there are some things that can not be missing.
The first thing is to have self control. We get angry at the tantrums, whims and regressions of the children, if they cry or scream or kick. We demand a self-control that they do not have and that takes time to develop. But the embarrassing thing is that we demand that premature self-control and we do it screaming, getting furious and attacked by nerves.
Adults are us and if we have not learned by now to control ourselves, it is time to start doing it. We have to learn to control ourselves and organize our daily life in a way that allows us to enjoy that minimum quality of life, instead of riding in anger if a little boy is overwhelmed by fatigue or emotions.
It also takes a lot coherence. Children do not learn from what we say is right or wrong. Children learn from what we do. Let's be consistent and let's not say something we are not able to accomplish.
Nothing is more ridiculous and shameful than a father yelling at a small child who, like hitting his little brother again, breaks his face. Or the one that threatens things that he will not fulfill, lies blatantly so that the child obeys by inventing punishments of Magi that will not come, but behaves in a rude and uncivil way while repeating educational ideas that even a two-year-old child realizes that his father fails brazenly.
If you tell your child not to shout, don't shout. If you don't want me to hit, don't hit yourself. If you want me to respect the elderly, respect yourself to others, including children. If you don't want me to say tacos or insult, you know what you should refrain from doing. If you want it to be clean, wash your hands and teeth in front of it. If you want him not to throw papers and take care of his health, do not smoke in front of him, do not throw the butts to the ground and less to his park, and do not spit in the street. If you want me to read, start reading and reading for yourself. If you want me to study, turn off the TV and stop watching both soccer and soap operas to start learning things from you. The example is fundamental.
Must have empathy and know how to put ourselves in the skin of our children, feeling what they feel, grief, fear, joy, nerves. If we are able to empathize with their emotions it is much easier to communicate and listen to them, especially when they are not yet able to express their feelings perfectly with words.
Not mocking, not provoking their fears, not sweeping them, not demanding that they overcome emotions that paralyze them, will be beneficial consequences of active empathy.
Insults, mockery, threats and emotional blackmail are burdens with which we may have grown but it is time to recognize that they are somewhat harmful and embarrassing even if we survived them. Nothing that hurts or bothers us should be done to children and of course it only serves to feed back the circle of violence.
We will understand them, but only if we dare to feel with them instead of telling them how they should feel. And that way we will sow the confidence that is gained, that does not come suddenly in adolescence, that we must foster since they are babies and feel that we are at their side to cradle them when they need love.
Neither respect nor trust deserve for having generated a scion. Like everything worthwhile, you have to earn it and know how to keep it.
Let's add to this the indispensable flexibility which must be provided. We usually say NO to children hundreds of times a day, while they move in disrespectful spaces and times with their rhythms and needs.
Saying "no" must be said, especially to consumerism or violence, but it must be kept at its limit. Many times, if we reflect, the things we do not allow to do at a certain moment we could have accessed them simply by stopping, forgetting our need to act quickly, letting children enjoy their right to explore the world and life.
That is, let's be flexible and know how to distinguish what is really important from what we can negotiate with them. And of course, let's explain our negatives and limits in the best way suited to their ages. Children to whom things are explained end up understanding them. Those who are sent "because I am your father" without arguments or explanations, who are treated as idiots to tame, who are not explained things, will not understand.
"Because I say so" is a very poor argument, which reveals that we have very few verbal and communicative resources. And that leaves us in a very bad place in front of some children who see us as dictators without negotiation skills and who do not know how to explain their motives or arguments. It does not encourage the children to respect us, because respect is earned and does not deserve for the simple fact of being parents.
And finally I leave the essential: patience. The patience we have lost, the one we demand from children, the one they need so much from us. Complicated streaks in children's growth processes will pass safely. But children live now and waiting is very difficult, as it is even harder for them to adapt to our absences. Patience. We are the adults Let's not forget it.
I don't want to leave something that I think is almost unnecessary to mention: hugs, kisses and pampering that never be spared. And as long as possible at your side, aware, open to your emotional and game needs. Love is never in excess.
For our children no one is in the world more important than us, they love nobody more. Stopping, sitting by your side, surrendering to your need for our presence, giving them affection and time, as long as possible, is an experience that enriches us. And that makes them trust life and enjoy it.
In summary, to be good parents there are things that can not be missed. We must not lack self-control, coherence, patience, flexibility and empathy. But that will not be enough, because being parents is a huge responsibility in which in addition to educating a child and accompanying him in his growth, we must educate ourselves and grow to be better people.
