In Babies and more we have often published statements and theories of experts in different subjects related to babies. Today we interview Elena Lordán, who is not a pediatrician, nor an obstetrician, nor an expert in children's sleep (or perhaps yes, since he has two children). Elena is a psychologist, but today we do not interview her because of her profession, but because she is a mother who has been collecting for six years, almost seven, with his son PabloThat one day, recently, he said: "I want to sleep in my room."
We have talked repeatedly about the school and almost always the same doubts arise: how long do they sleep with parents, if they go alone to their room, if they get used to it, how each family manages the time before bedtime, how does the couple to have your moments of intimacy, etc.
Of all these doubts we have been able to talk with this mother, who will offer us her personal vision of the schoolboy and her feelings before, during and after the six years she has been sleeping with her son. Before starting the interview, I leave the letter that Elena made about it in the Natural Parenting forum and that motivated this post:
In May you will turn 7, how time goes by !!! Sleeping with you has always been the most wonderful thing in the world and now, my big boy, you get older. You told me a few days ago that you wanted to sleep in your room, the one in which in bed we only accumulated clothes without ironing. Suddenly that sounded like Chinese.I didn't make any value judgment on your words, but I think my face reflected what went through my mind ... I thought you would want to try, to see what happened when you slept in your room, in your bed, without mom and without your little brother and that you would return to our bed for a little while so that mom warms your feet in my belly, as always.
But no gentlemen, you slept tooooo the night in a row, without saying anything. When I went to bed that night I felt strange, sad ... I went to see you in your bed a couple of times during the night and you were still there, the sea of happy ... and the morning came and I put my hand on your pillow and where I had always been your pretty little head there was nothing ... And you woke up beaming, happy, with the alarm that mom had left you.
Since then several days have passed and your decision is firm. You leave the school to grow, fly, evolve and I feel bittersweet. It is endearing to see you grow, healthy and safe, mature at your own pace, which is none other than this. But I can't help missing you too many nights, feeling longing and sad because I need physical contact with you, my oldest son. And I understand you and I respect and support your decision, my sadness is not yours. I will continue to visit you sneak at night and I will curl up by your side for a little while, whenever you leave me.
I love you my big boy. Go ahead and grow happy, that I will accompany you by your side.
How much of this?
Two weeks ago Pablo told me that he wanted to sleep in his room, it is quite recent.
Are you still sleeping in your room?
Indeed, he continues to sleep in his room, without night waking.
To place a chronological order, when did you start collecting with him?
The first months he slept in my room in his crib. He was in his crib until about a year and a half. The official colecho then began, at which time we began to share the bed.
May I ask what motivated you to start collecting?
Actually I would not know how to tell you, it was not something meditated, but something natural. There was no concrete reason that favored the beginning of the school, it only happened suddenly, one night, without more and, from that moment, it was part of our life. What I did ask myself on occasion was why I had not always done it. It is one of the most beautiful experiences of motherhood, without a doubt.
Did anyone tell you that was wrong?
His father (now we are separated) told me many times that that was not normal, nor good for the child. Some friend also insisted that the child "should" sleep in his bed. Of course some nursery teacher also made the comment. But it was not something that ever worried me, I knew, felt, that it was the best for him, for me, for both of us. We have always been very happy to collect and something so beautiful can never be negative.
When I was three, four years old, even five, did they tell you that it was recommended that he sleep alone?
Of course the father kept insisting, claiming it was time for Paul to sleep in his bed. My family knew my choice and always respected me, although some well-intentioned comment that the child was already older did. Only at some point did I feel the pressure of the father, but my instinct could more than the momentary doubts. I knew that my son and I were happy, he grew up healthy and safe, the schoolboy only did us good.
Now that you collected with the little brother, how did you ride it at the organizational level?
Since the birth of the child, we have been reorganized as he has matured in the dream. My little son has always needed to sleep a lot, so I slept him in the crib in my bed soon. Then we had dinner for the rest of the family and at the end I slept with the eldest in bed. When the two slept, I usually got up again to do what I had left pending. When the child was 1 year old, I took out the semi-detached crib and, to gain space, I attached one of 90 to mine of 1.50 (2.40 for a family bed!). Until 15 days ago, we all slept with this routine. Now everything is the same, except the terraced bed that is empty. Soon I plan to take it out definitely.
Do you think that colecho and the couple's relationship are incompatible things?
I certainly don't think it is. Colecho enriches everyone, the couple and the son or children in common. Feeling that special union parents and children raising is precious, for each family member and for all as a family nucleus. Couple and children are always compatible, also at bedtime. And in the same way, parents can continue to have their couple-only moments, outside the school.
In the story you already explain your current feelings, do you want to add something?
I would only add that we must be guided by our instinct, now more than ever that we are fathers and mothers. Sleeping with our children is something natural, healthy, comfortable, safe, precious and we should not feel pressured by anything or anyone, just enjoy our children and with them. And, as I commented a few days ago with someone, the only drawback of the colecho is the monkey you feel when your children decide to become independent.
I guess if you could go back you would repeat the experience, right?
Without hesitation. I can't imagine my nights away from my children and I will go with them whenever they want. And when they decide to stop doing it, as now, I will respect them and accompany them on their path to independence.
Photos | Flickr - madaise, Raúl A.
In Babies and more | Diary of a collector's father on board, How families who collect it are mounted, How to practice the collection safely and safely
