I have already explained that I am a mother who does not accept the punishments, nor the superiority of the adult who demands to be obeyed for being so, let alone any manifestation of physical violence towards children.
On the contrary, I am, apparently, a very permissive mother, who negotiates and allows the child to be responsible and owner of his life. However, as much as I defend the rights of children, their needs and what comes to be called "attachment breeding" I do not defend the raising of children without limits.
The limits in empathic upbringing
Limits are necessary, indispensable. The limits are physical, they are a premise for the safety of all and for the emotional well-being of oneself and those around us. That is why I consider it very important that parents who want educate with respect, empathy and sweetness, also know that one of the most important things you should know how to do is set limits.
The limits are respect
And this is a non-arbitrary limit. Respect the rights of others and not exercise our freedom or whim over the rights of others. Our real well-being is part of the well-being of others.
The limits are respect. With a baby the limits are different, because the baby is pure necessity. He needs the chest, although we consider that he has eaten enough. He needs our arms and our company in wakefulness and sleep. At that stage, our needs are less important, as the baby may need us at the cost of our rest. But even then we must be aware of what we also need and try to communicate it with sweetness and empathy.
However, as the child grows and understands the language, the education that we are going to give the parents is essential, both doing it in a respectful way and not exercising an unquestionable authority or imposing it with punishments, shouts or blows, such as transmitting also our needs, because only through a responsible and coherent guide will we ensure that the child is really empathetic and knows how to respect us as people with the same rights as them.
Raising without scourges is not raising without limits
Educate without scourging, educate with respect, it is not to be slaves of the child, to bend to his most pilgrim whims or to allow us or other people to be disrespected. If it does not stick, it does not stick. That is, we will not hit, but neither can we consent to the child hitting, or insulting or expressing their whims aggressively.
The difference lies in knowing how to distinguish what is a primary need and what is a reflected need, something that deserves a more extensive topic. But, in summary, a child does not need to swell to ice cream or scones, he does not need to run through a restaurant bothering waiters and diners, he does not need to crush the other children or their parents with screaming or anger if all their wishes are not fulfilled.
The child seems so sad that I can never be a child and run free for fear of a cheek or an insult like the child who grows up without understanding that interacting with others involves an exercise of responsibility and bilateral empathy.
Without blackmail or labels, it is also our obligation, just as we put ourselves in your skin and understand your feelings, explain their name and how they work in other people. If it bothers us to shout or put the television at full volume we must explain it without losing patience, from small, so that they grow as complete and safe people.
Security is built on trust
Child safety and trust in their parents is grounded in mutual empathy, gradually educating in the reciprocity and the understanding that neither we are the adults who impose ourselves in our desires always nor the children have the right to annoy others for the fact of being.
Educating in empathy is not educating without limits or turning children into savage selfish, but quite the opposite, helping them to be responsible for their actions and respectful of others.
Physical limits are understandable and children assume them from experience. Limits in behavior are learned from example and coherence, not giving them a carte blanche for any behavior, no matter how annoying, but explaining the reasons why there is a place and a place for everything. We should not fear putting limits on inappropriate behavior, with patience and without violence, but we must set and explain them.
We cannot confuse educating with respect with educating children without limits, because precisely educating is to train responsible people who know how to respect others and understand them, starting with respecting and understanding us, but not remaining in that and letting nature take its course without control.
