When we talked about the favorite children, we already pointed out some reasons why one child is preferred over another or others, and today we want to deepen this complex issue. And the fact of preferring one of the children can be explained from different points of view.
And yes, I know that many will say that you do not love one child more than another (I also say it), but from the biological, psychological and cultural point of view it is not so strange to explain this phenomenon of inclinations or preferences, which seems more common than we might think. Another thing is that it can be generalized.
However, there are those who do, and the author of a famous article published in the magazine "Time" a few months ago and entitled "Why Mom Liked You Best" ("Why mom likes you more"), Jeffrey Kluger, also writer of the book "The effect of the brothers", points out that "95% of parents have a preferred child and the remaining 5%, lie”.
The report has the subtitle of "The science of favoritism" and in brackets on the same cover it is noted that "Of course, she would never admit it."
To reach this statement, the journalist relies on research that analyzed family dynamics. Among them, the work of Catherine Conger, from the University of California (United States), who after visiting about 400 families to learn about their interactions, concluded that “65% of mothers and 70% of parents exhibit a preference for one of the children, usually the eldest. ”
But we are going to enter this exciting world of preferences between siblings, but not before pointing out that many authors insist that it is more correct to speak of affinities, of closeness, of inclinations towards one or another child.
Psychological factors
The unconscious has much to say in our favoritism with children (and with anyone). In this sense, there are several different patterns when it comes to leaning towards someone, as we anticipated in the previous post about favorite children.
It will depend on many factors that occur in one family or another, and even preferences may change over time different patterns explain the favorites of two parents of the same family. Some behaviors that are repeated are:
The children are "distributed" and the boy is mom's favorite while girls are dad's favorites. If the children are more of the mothers and the girls of the parents, it could be because we unconsciously look for a "moldable" version of our partner. You are not completely satisfied with your partner and find an "improved model" of it in your children. However, in this case there could also be a greater degree of demand with the child (when they grow up) that could make favoritism vary when a possible rejection of the children occurs. However, this explanation would not be valid in the case of two children (or two parents) of the same sex.
It may also be the case to see us projected on one of our children, the one that looks more like us and in which we see a possible "improved version" of ourselves. It is a kind of emotional closeness that makes us prefer that son. If the other child is more like the other parent, we may see in him his shortcomings, project anger, tensions, subtract attention ...
We could also project on the favorite child, not us or our partner, but someone who is no longer there, a family member who has already passed away (uncles or grandparents ...) and who the parent loved very much.
But it is also possible that unconsciously we feel more worried about the son less like us, because we seek to understand him more, we want to like them more ...
There are children who arrive at a certain vital moment to "fill a void" (a deceased relative ...), because they are the first to arrive or on the contrary it cost a lot to arrive ...
Frequently, the eldest son is the favorite because he is the son to whom you dedicate more money, resources, attention ... Then, when the second child arrives, the first serves as an example of how things are.
However, the child also has a chance to be a favorite, for a kind of compassion, to try to balance and because the child is the one who needs parents the most (especially mothers and if the other children are already older) in that moment.
Biological factors
Together with the unconscious, biology plays an important role in paternofilial relationships. We are far from certain behaviors of the animal kingdom that kills the weakest or sickest offspring. But perhaps the genetic footprint turns us towards the children we see stronger and more capable.
It would be a strategy that we have printed on our genes to survive. When our ancestors could not support all their descendants, they instinctively established a scale of preferences, privileging those who believed they were more likely to get ahead (men for perpetuating offspring, but also the most skilled, strong, intelligent ...).
According to Kluger, the journalist specializing in health issues in "Time", which we talked about in the introduction, human beings are biologically programmed to prefer one child over another. For him, "The narcissistic act of reproducing us drives parents in favor of the oldest, the healthiest child, who will have the most reproductive success."
However, I think that at this point and in the case of people, perhaps the opposite could happen, that we lean towards the weakest, most vulnerable child, the one we consider to need more protection. This is stated for example by the American psychoanalyst Ellen Libby, author of the book "The favorite son":
That a father prefers a son is something natural. Some choose the most athletic or the one who does best in school because it makes them feel successful as parents. Instead, others choose at least virtuous because it requires more attention.
Cultural factors: boys, favorites
In the case of human beings, do men have an advantage? Traditionally male offspring have been preferred that perpetuates the family name. Many times the daughters were more of a burden and in the end they would end up in other families if they contribute nothing to their own (and unfortunately this is no stranger to today in many cultures).
A few decades ago, without going too far, in many families it was preferred to give study opportunities to sons rather than daughters. At present in families with few resources this can also happen.
Cultural factors are also closely related to biological ones. For example, traditionally in rural areas of China, the first daughter was killed if she was a woman because they could not help in the field and all the work would fall on the father. After there was a son, the girls were already "accepted."
In short, these are factors of a very different nature that would explain that a child is preferred over others.
The reasons are varied and complex, but the fact is that it is not uncommon or "unnatural" to prefer one of the children, although it would be better to talk about "affinity" or closeness, even "sympathy". As long as there is an affection for all, there is no lack of attention and they are valued in fair measure, this fact does not have to affect us or them.
Photos | chimothy27 More information | Time In Babies and more | The dethroned prince, Jealousy between brothers, Love multiplies with each child, Being a mother for the second time: sensations, Show an "exaggerated" affection for the eldest son, The favorite son
