We will continue today, a day before Valentine’s Day, talking about love, desire and sexuality In couples who are parents. This time we will interviewing psychologist Olga Carmona, co-director of Ceibe Psychology, with whom it is always a pleasure to talk.
How to keep the passion in the couple when the children arrive?
In my opinion, it is part of the maturity of the couple as a system, to understand that life in common goes through different stages, is constantly changing and evolving, luckily.
We are human beings under construction, subject to the change that is, synonymous with being alive.
The arrival of the children marks a before and after in this trajectory, where both members of the couple must understand that now the priority is the new being, with compelling and urgent needs that their parents must meet. This is a time of respect, of adaptation, of new roles. When the mother is cared for, contained, supported and is not required that things in the sexual field be like before becoming parents, passion returns. With other times, with other forms, perhaps, but if the place of departure was sexually similar and solid, it will return spontaneously and adapt to the new situation. It is only about accepting the times, accompanying the changes and understanding that it is a new stage in our vital journey.
How not to neglect the couple with all the attention needs that children have?
Empathizing with her. Understanding what your moment is and what your need in such a delicate stage. Communicating is the key, attending to the emotional torrent that occurs in the feminine world and the breaking of schemes that occur in the masculine, building bridges, connecting with who we were before the arrival of the son, getting involved in the care of the child, enjoying of the new situation, to live the fatigue and the difficulties with the perspective that it is temporary.
I insist on empathic communication as a key for the other to feel that he is not alone, that he is also being cared for.
It is said that children kill sexual desire in the couple, but why is that not true?
The children do not kill anything that was not already dead. Children in any case give life, a lot of life. Its presence acts as a giant magnifying glass where we can see our limitations and our shadows, but also the potential of all the good we have to be and give. Children give, children empower, children make us better without a doubt, if we are able to look humbly through their wise eyes.
Sexual desire is only killed by lack of love, disrespect for the other, the desire to anchor in a stage of life that is no longer, that already was.
Do the children unite or separate?
Unite if the couple's breeding ground is conducive. They separate if before their arrival there were deep cracks that were covered with the absence of conflicts. The presence of the children, in a solid couple, in love, with visions of the related world, with a common life project well armed, represent the most incredible and miraculous representation of love and the bond is narrowed to levels difficult to transmit with the word. In the same way, in a fragile system, based on the specific circumstances that united them, with non-negotiable vital incompatibilities, the presence of the children places the couple in a critical area that some do not overcome.
Can fantasies and sexual games even increase with motherhood by liberating us internally?
During the puerperium and lactation stage, I would say no. The woman is making a nest, is collected on herself and her young and sexuality, goes to the background. The skin acquires other nuances and sensuality unfolds over and for the baby. Once this stage is over, yes. Precisely now I am working on a project in which I interview women, mostly mothers, to know how and how their sexuality has changed after being mothers. My perception is that women feel fuller, stronger, safer than they want and all that makes them freer. Moreover, many demand to enjoy a broader sexuality where fantasies and games certainly have a place.
How to recover desire if it decreases?
Slowly. With patience. Starting with enjoying the sensuality that life offers us as a couple, without aim or hurry. Trying to take off our pajamas little by little and return to the dress. Reserving some space for the couple, to rediscover, to chat, to look each other in the eye. Taking care of the other, involving both in the care of the young.
And the colecho, is, as some say, a symptom of lack of desire or a separator of couples?
If the couple has no desire, sharing the bed without children will not be returned. And if, on the contrary, the couple enjoys an active, rich and flexible sex life (this word is key), the colecho will not take it away.
Colecho is a pleasure, for those who choose it, not an obligation or part of a decalogue of guidelines for happy parenting. What is not done with pleasure, does not usually work.
Thank you, Olga, for this interview full of sensitivity and in which you have given us keys to sensuality too.
You know, empathy, respect, complicity, involvement, those are the keys for a couple with children to maintain, renew, redirect desire and pleasure to achieve a fuller sexual and love life even when the children arrive. Happy Valentines!
