The "no" is one of the strongest, most powerful and powerful words we have in our vocabulary. It is a word that conveys unwavering ideas and that carries a feeling of rejection and coercion.
We parents use the word "no" too many times, without being aware that so many negatives could affect emotional development of our children, reducing their self-esteem, curtailing their freedom and frustrating their capacity for decision and action.
But, saying "no" is sometimes necessary, so it is convenient to know how to do it without our message being authoritarian or aggressive; offering alternatives and looking for positive and constructive ways to convey an idea.
1. Neither "yes" nor "no". In the medium term is virtue
Beware of the excessive use of both terms!
There are parents who always say "yes" to everything their children propose or ask for. This would be the opposite extreme but, according to experts, it is just as emotionally harmful as the abusive use of "no."
The children sometimes need to hear a "no" for an answer because it is something that they will face frequently in their adult stage ("no" to an appointment, "no" to a credit, "no" to a job, "no" to a promotion ...). A child who only knows the "yes" will feel frustrated and confused by a sudden refusal, apart from living a reality without limits that he will not find when he grows up.
But if, on the contrary, our children are only accustomed to hearing the "no" of our lips, they will grow up believing that everything around them is bad, negative, dangerous ... Their decision capacity will be affected and we will negatively influence their lives.
So at this point, as in almost everything, in the middle term we will find virtue.
2. "Why not" does not work. Give an explanation.
Children need understand why things, the more if it is a prohibition or a refusal of a desire. Therefore, be patient and explain the reasons for your "no". In this way he will understand you and assume your decision better.
For example: If your child wants to climb a tree, do not forbid it without any explanation because, probably, he does not understand or see the consequences that his act could have. If instead you explain carefully that trees should not be surged because they could fall and hurt themselves, you will help them understand it better.
3. Look for alternatives
A "no" always fits better if they offer you alternatives similar to the ban they have given you. Returning to the previous example of the tree, we could say to our son: "Climbing trees is dangerous because you could fall and hurt yourself. What do you think if we look for a park with swings where you can play safely?"
For any refusal there is always an alternative. It's just a matter of blowing our imagination!
4. But ... is my "no" really justified?
Let's do a simple exercise: how many times will we have told our children that "no" for simple comfort our?.
For example: Your son wants to jump in the puddles that the tormeta just left, but you get ahead of his intentions and release a blunt "NO!".
Does our son's action really deserve that "no"? What is the worst thing that can happen if you jump in the puddles ?: Let it get wet ?, Let it get dirty ?. Nothing we can't solve with water boots and a clean change!
Children are children and as such they must play, experiment, get dirty, get wet… It is part of their development and learning and only like that they will know for themselves the consequences They have their actions.
5. Action - Consequence - Learning
Saying "no" to our children to avoid falling into a mistake, is in itself another mistake. Children, like adults, learn from try, experience, fall and get up. Skinny please we will be doing to our kids if we don't let them act in freedom and learn from their mistakes.
The overprotection of children is not a positive way to educate because it restricts their autonomy and decision-making capacity. The child will grow insecure, not knowing how to make his own decisions and unable to learn from the consequences of his mistakes.Logically, if the child's performance entails a risk to his physical integrity, the parents must stop it and offer other alternatives, as we have seen in the example of the tree. But if it's other kind of decisions, We must allow them to be wrong.
For example: Our son wants to fly his kite on a day where he doesn't run a hint of air. Let's go out with him and let him, by himself, realize that his kite will not fly. Let's not tell them about "See? If I told you I wasn't going to fly". He already knows that we warned him, but being able to learn from his mistake is much more positive than if we had denied him being able to do it.
6. Leave the NO only for unbreakable situations
But there are certain situations where a "no" is a "no" and there is no possible negotiation or search for alternatives.
For example: If you see your child perched on a balcony railing or about to cross the road without surveillance, the "NO" that will leave your guts will be a logical and justified "no." At that moment you can't stop to negotiate with him, or to talk quietly about the consequences that these acts could have. His life is in danger and he must understand it bluntly and emphatically.
Therefore, it is important that we leave the resounding "no" for situations in which, really, the rules are unbreakable.7. Use the sandwich technique
Your child may ask you or raise something you don't want or can do at that time. In that case, try applying the sandwich technique:
- Positive message
- NO
- Positive / Alternative Message
The sandwich technique combines the search for alternatives with positive messages that will make the "no" less painful.
For example: Your son has been invited to a birthday party but, for whatever reason, he will not be able to attend. You know that he is very excited about what is best for your conversation to explain that you can not take him, start and end with positive messages.
"Honey, I know that Pablo's party makes you especially excited because whenever you are together you have a great time. However, you will not be able to attend because on Saturday we will go to see the grandparents. But what do you think if we organize a snack on Friday in the afternoon and tell Pablo to come? "
8. Praise his effort and small achievements
Trying to let our children learn by highlighting what they do wrong is not, by far, the best of strategies. According to experts, praising the effort helps them improve your self-esteem and learn from your mistakes in a positive and constructive way.
For example: Our son makes a drawing without paying too much attention to it. He shows us and asks us what do we think? Our response could go in a double direction: Be honest and tell him that we don't like what he has painted too much. Or pretend we love it and praise how well it has done it.
With none of these two answers we will be helping you. The first response is devastating, will reduce your self-esteem and make you sad. With the second answer he will know that we are cheating on him, since he is most likely fully aware of the little interest he has put into drawing.
How to act then in this case?
Praising his effort and helping him to self-evaluate and learn. We could answer, for example: "Good start! Do you like it? Do you think you could improve some of this drawing?". In this way, he will feel valued, heard and we will help him to work harder to improve.
9. Use humor
When children are young, they they think they can do anything, but adults know that this is not always the case. Their age, height, lack of knowledge or poor physical strength (among many other aspects) could make it difficult for them to do certain activities or tasks successfully.
If our little one is very determined to do something that we, as parents, know that he will not achieve, we can already explain to him a thousand times the reasons that, probably not only he does not understand them but that he ends up feeling hurt or undervalued.
In these circumstances there is nothing better than using humor to dramatize a situation, teach them to laugh at themselves and to accept that everything in life requires practice and learning.For example: If our three year old boy wants to climb a mountain, let's not tell him that "He can't do it because he is so small". Let's take a walk in the sense of humor making him see that he is indeed small to climb a mountain but, instead, he knows songs that mom or dad do not know. And at that moment you start chanting by inventing the lyrics of some children's song that he dominates perfectly.
Your confusion will make you laugh, forget about climbing and feel special and valued for knowing how to do something that others do not know.
- Photos | iStock
- In Babies and More | How to say no without saying "no"; Children without limits; We want our children to experience but not get stained; Praise the successes instead of always highlighting the mistakes of your children; Praise children for their efforts better than for their intelligence
