We are having a very complicated season in terms of health in the family, and unfortunately, after the holidays we have learned from fathers or mothers of friends or partners of my children who have been diagnosed with a certain severity. This together with the fact that we spend the pending days of a thread because the new cousin has been determined to be born much earlier, makes a good part of our conversations revolve around hospitals, ambulances, diseases.
The news that a friend is going to have breast cancer surgery has fallen like a jug of cold water, but and his sons? How will they face it? The little boy is only 11 years old and it has been difficult to tell him, or rather it has been difficult to find the moment and the way to do it. It is understandable since until recently it is a disease that was tried to hide, although the effects of chemotherapy are evident when the patient goes out. On the other hand there is the wrong thought of protecting the innocence and happiness of children, sometimes reaching the father or mother to move away during treatment so that "children do not suffer."
But nothing is further from reality, because in addition to suffering they feel tremendous uncertainty and may become resentful of their parents for having lied to them
The truth ahead
Be honest with your children, because they will end up suspecting anyway (when not knowing) and because their perception can be distorted by not knowing the truth, causing much more anguish only for what you can imagine. In addition, hiding such news wears a lot, because you always have to go around everything so as not to go to secrecy, or you should speak quietly when grandparents call to ask, or do not want to miss a visit for fear that the issue will come up and the child finds out.
In general keeping lies is very tired
Another thing is that you take care of the language according to the age of the child, and that it is necessary to look for a moment of family reunion, or at least quiet, to give them such news. For example, as told in an American Cancer Society Guide, young children (up to eight years old) they don't need to have too many details about the type of cancer and treatments, and they don't need anticipation about the effects either.
However, a preteen will want to know (probably) where the tumor is, how the treatment will affect us, who will take care of them, what things his sick father or mother cannot do, and other details that we tend to hide. It is much simpler than it seems, and the reaction to wait will be much more relaxed that if he finds out after a while of trying to hide it (how would you feel?).
Speak but wisely
On the other hand we don't want to overwhelm our son with too much information, this could generate some uncertainty. Imagine having to tell: what happens to us, what the doctor has told us, when and how I am going to treat myself, what effects the treatment will have, who will help us, how we hope they will change their lives for the duration of the treatment, how you want to organize so that the impact on your daily life is minimal.
It is about rationalizing the contribution of information, and organizing it so that they can have it more or less all, but in parts, no need to tell everything in one day. When you are ready you sit next to the child, you tell him what is wrong with you and what the doctor has told you ... you let him ask you. Another day, you take advantage of the fact that you visit that friend who will take you to training when you can't and share with her the plans you have so that she can move on with an altered life but with normal pretensions ... let him also have ideas, They may be helpful.
Prudence is also to talk about aspects of the treatment that we often “park”: it is not only that one falls out of hair, it is that the other discomforts can cause us changes in characterDo not you think that this should also be known by the children? Otherwise they would feel very confused with the bad mood of dad or mom.
Don't turn away
Well, it is a very personal decision, but going to another place so that children do not see how you vomit or do not see you cry when you look in the mirror, it is not the best solution from my point of view. That they are with you in these conditions is not pleasant, but they easily assume that if they are part of the family, they are unconditionally; In addition, the patient would not feel well away from his family.
You may have to ask for extra support, you may have to talk to the children's teachers, you may have to agree to see how other parents take them to the movies on Saturday; But having cancer (or another serious illness) should not be a cause for shame.
Another thing is that children need hold on to the safety of your usual activities, although to keep them you must resort to friends, neighbors, grandparents, uncles etc. Today it seems that we all have a little fear to ask for help, and also to the commitment, to help ... but it is part of our nature. In addition, adults are older to say no if it is not good for us to help (I say this because we usually do a thousand cabals about what will happen if I call a little guy, how he will react), nothing happens, there will always be someone willing, and in general these things They flow with some ease.
How will my child react?
That is unpredictable: you will know when you tell it, but don't be surprised if it presents a different behaviorIf he becomes rebellious, if he withdraws, if he sleeps badly or a lot, if he is suddenly afraid of being alone, if he isolates himself and does not tell his things how he feels.
You will have to understand and accept him, you will have to guess if he does not speak, and respect that one day he is not hungry, you must put yourself in his place. And above all you should ask the other adults who deal with him a lot of understanding. And to have a lot, a lot of patience ... you will be all right.
Almost finishing, I wanted to comment that sometimes it seems like a joke in bad taste that someone wants to talk about the positive side of diseases, however there it is. It really is valued more every day, and simple things make sense. Not to mention the bonds that strengthen when others help selflessly, and the feeling that this is how we should live: crossing the physical barriers of each other's house and knowing how to cooperate with others, helping and letting themselves help.
Now I am finishing, this is still a message of encouragement to R. and his family (everything will be fine, sure), and a recognition to my children who have taken such a difficult situation with such fortitude to them, to all that you have helped us; Y to those who, despite being ill, were aware of others.
In Peques and More | Parents as facilitators of family life during and after treatment for childhood cancer, "Walk me down the Aisle Daddy": the best memory of his father that Josie will keep when he grows up
